Prior to coming to Recovered Codependents, I lived my life looking for other people to tell me I was okay. I didn’t understand this before working the steps, but I spent so much time trying to control other people so I could feel okay—I even tried to control their thoughts, including what they thought of me. This was because I made other people my God or my Higher Power.
I was always overly concerned with other people, wanting them to like me, and pretending to be someone else so they would like me. This started at a very young age. As a kid, I remember wanting to be someone different. I wished I could wake up and be this other girl in my class, who was blonde and cute. I was really critical of myself; I’d look in the mirror and think, “Gross.” I just didn’t want to be me. I wanted to be someone else.
I feel like that’s normal for high school, but I obsessed more than others about fitting in and wanting to be liked. I remember joining a Bible study with some friends in high school, even though I was Jewish and God was not something we talked about in our house
(I would say I grew up as a Jewish atheist). But I wanted to fit in, and that’s what this group of girls was doing, and I wanted to be friends with them, so I pretended to be into it. The odd thing is, this was one of my first exposures to spiritual ideas. I remember thinking, “Wow, if I really believed there was a greater plan for me, life would feel so much easier.” A seed was planted.
I got sexual with boys early—I felt fat and ugly, and if they wanted to be with me, I thought I should be grateful. I craved validation and attention so I could feel good about myself. I just soaked up that attention, even though I didn’t want to be doing what I was doing. I wanted the approval. I didn’t know what I wanted and thought making the other person happy was all that mattered.
I got into a terrible relationship in high school that lasted five years. He was angry a lot, and I learned to tiptoe around him to make sure he didn’t get mad. He would tell me what to wear, who to talk to, or threaten to break up with me if I talked to another boy. My whole world revolved around him. If he was happy, I was happy; if he was upset, I was upset and scared. I rode the waves of his emotions—a very codependent pattern.
I started drinking in high school at parties, and for a short time, it felt like a relief from my constant obsessing about how to fit in and make people like me. I didn’t tell people the truth about what was going on in the relationship. It got to the point where I didn’t have many other friends—it was just me and him. I was so afraid of being alone that I did anything to try to make him happy, pretending to be exactly what I thought he wanted. Another person would have said goodbye to him, but not me! I tried to fix, manage, and control the relationship.
Looking back, I hated those high school years. I had no idea who I was. I was a chameleon, constantly changing myself to be what I thought others wanted. As a result, I felt empty, without true intimacy in my friendships, and that carried over into adulthood.
In Bill’s Story in the Big Book of AA, where the steps I’ve followed to find freedom from this are outlined, it says: “The drive for success was on. I’d prove to the world that I was important.” I relate to that so much. My need to get straight A’s and get into a good university was strong even as a young kid.
I have a long history of dating and being so obsessed with what the other person thought of me that I couldn’t even tell if I liked them. It was all about getting people to like me. I engaged in a lot of dishonest manipulation and selfishness, though I didn’t see it that way at the time. I would string along boys I didn’t like just because I enjoyed someone liking me.
There was one relationship where the guy, who was newly sober in AA, would say ridiculous things to me, like, “You need to be more confident” or “I don’t like that outfit you’re wearing.” Instead of dismissing him as someone who was unkind or unhealthy to be around, I took his words as truth, and my confidence was shattered. I tried to act more confidently, and wear outfits he would approve of.
Around this time, I had joined a 12-step program for compulsive eating, and when I met this guy, I thought, “Oh! We’re both in
12-step programs—this is perfect!” But he wasn’t acting like someone in recovery (and neither was I). I was missing key instructions in the steps, but I kept thinking, “He’ll change because he’s in the program,” or, “I can change him.”
My codependence wasn’t just about obsessing over others or controlling relationships by lying about who I was. I was also bossy, mean, controlling, and demanding. As a boss, I was impatient and obsessed with getting things done, often harming others in the process. With friends, I constantly worried if I’d done something to upset them, overanalyzing every interaction.
I knew something was wrong with me. I was constantly doing things I felt ashamed of, saying yes when I meant no, exhausting myself, and feeling gross about decisions I’d made. I tried therapy, self-help books, and even two 10-day silent meditation retreats, where I started to see that my attachment to what others thought of me was a problem. But just seeing the problem didn’t change it.
Eventually, I found a sponsor who took me through the steps as outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. She was also in a 12-step program for codependency. With her guidance, I started to clearly see my character defects, and things began to improve.
For years, I didn’t fully accept my chronic codependency. I thought, “I’m not doing those crazy things anymore, like sleeping with everyone or saying yes when I mean no, I’m so much better.” But eventually, I got into a relationship with my now-husband.
When I knew I had his love, I became demanding and controlling, creating drama and focusing on what he wasn’t doing. My sponsor strongly suggested I look into Recovered Codependents.
Finally, I admitted I was chronic. I couldn’t stop my mind from creating problems and obsessively thinking. I needed this program. My need to control others was killing me. Through the steps, I saw how dishonest and selfish I had been. The Big Book says we obsess over others because we like the effect. I was using people for ease and comfort. I learned to look at what it was like
for the other person. I saw that my way is not the best way. My husband does things according to his timeline which actually is
better for both of us. He’s amazing in so many ways, and of course has areas where he struggles, just like me, and God helps me accept him as he is. God helps me let people just be themselves, as God made them.
The things I struggle with today are the lies that my self-worth is based on how much I accomplish, so sometimes I over do and
over extend, and keep myself too busy. Or I feel overwhelmed. The solution is not to do more. The solution is to pause, like the Big Book says, I pause when agitated or doubtful, so I can meditate and invite God in and go help someone and then I’m much more clear. I can see that my mind produces a lot of thoughts that are not true and I don’t have to listen today. This is getting better every day. I pause and I ask myself “What would a surrendered person do?”
Now, I live differently. I go to God for all I need and for direction in my life. When controlling thoughts come up, I pause, pray, and connect with God and my sponsor. I focus on helping other chronic codependents, and when I do that, I see my own codependency more clearly. I can have faith that if I’m out there helping others, God wil take care of me and my life.I have a purpose and direction in my life. I’m so grateful for this program and my relationship with my Higher Power.