I admit I wasn’t sure I had a problem with codependency in the beginning. I had a limited view about what codependency looked like. In my mind, it meant someone who was clingy or needy towards their romantic partner. Someone without their own interests and could not be independent. I didn’t identify with that at all! In fact, I prided myself on being independent. However, if you had said “distorted thinking around people and relationships,” that would have rung a bell.
What I now know is that codependency can look different from person to person. For instance, one might be codependent with certain types of people more so than others – that can be family, friends,coworkers, romantic partners, or it can be some or all of those. Our codependent behaviors can differ too. Some of us are more assertive, aggressive, pushy, and demanding. Some of us display more passive behaviors like people-pleasing, saying yes when we mean no, withholding opinions, putting ourselves in harms way to help/fix/manage or save someone or the relationship.
What brought me to 12-step for codependency and my most glaring obsession was my relationship with my father. It would also show up with my in-laws and step-daughter. Later on, I realized it shows up in my romantic relationships and with friends and coworkers too. Codependency, I learned, is using other people in order to get our sense of self-worth and validation. With that in mind, codependency started pretty early for me. Relationships were transactional – I’ll do x if you do y. In grade school I was friends with a girl who was pretty and popular. All the things I wanted to be. And I couldn’t believe she was friends with me! I would give her gifts often. The transaction in my mind was you give me friendship and I will give you things to try to keep you happy so you will stay my friend. However, that also meant I kept score. Something I would later do in my romantic relationships as well. If I felt I was I doing more for the other person than they were doing for me then I’d feel cheated in some way and got upset. With regard to adults, I noticed what my parents valued and did my best to do those things because I wanted the praise and adoration. It felt safe to know they were happy with me. For example, my mom valued well-mannered children so I’d say yes please and no thank you when out and people would compliment me and her. I didn’t do those things at home. My dad was emotionally unregulated at times, had an addiction and I felt had to walk on eggshells a lot. I tried to be the “good girl” and not get into trouble. He valued good grades so I aimed to do that and when report card came he was usually pleased.
Looking back what guided my thinking and behaviors was the belief that my sense of self-worth was based on what others thought of me, so I tried very hard to control what others thought of me. This meant being dishonest including lying about myself or my achievements, being very much in my ego and not wanting others to see me fail. I felt compelled to avoid rejection romantically at all costs. With the illness of codependency, we live a lot in our heads. I really spent a lot of time in fantasy. Wishing, daydreaming, thinking about the life I wanted or about things going my way. I’d get a real high off of feeling like I had magical powers or supreme control to change outcomes when I’d sit, think and re-replay past interactions in my mind regarding something someone said or did that rubbed me the wrong way. I’d fantasize about changing the situation, getting the upper hand and feeling vindicated with my new imagined outcome.
I was codependent with my mother. There was divorce early on and a lot of chaos particularly between ages 5-7. This included moving, fighting in the home, living one parent and then another with no real insight into why, my older sibling being in the home and then she was not around a lot. From those experiences I began to wonder what was wrong with me. Did I drive people away? That just fed into the codependency – the need to control what others thought of me even further and that I needed things to be a certain way to feel safe and okay. I also started to fear the future and wanted to control it. I began to live life waiting for the other shoe to drop and not feeling safe at times. It was particularly scary after the divorce when we lived with my dad. It was an unpredictable environment & I didn’t know what would set him off.
Managing my image became more important in my early teens. I became very focused on my physical appearance. I had started into an eating disorder early on and my thoughts were often on how do I control my weight and appearance so I can look good and get people to like me – more control! As part of the image management I would lie about myself to seem cooler or do things I didn’t really want to do just so I could look cool. With guys, I sometimes lead them on to thinking we would be physical in the near future when I had no intention of doing that just so that I could get the attention. I would sometimes seek attention from men in appropriate ways or when it wasn’t appropriate.
In terms of romance, my magical mind came up with ideas of how I could control outcomes with men. As a teen I thought I was going to be so much smarter than my peers and not rush into sex with someone who would later ghost me. I did meet a guy and it seemed like we fell pretty hard for one another. I was in love. We weren’t intimate till 4 or 5 months together. I was positive doing that would ensure that we would last. Afterwards little by little he started to pull away. In turn, I started to lose it! How could this be? Why isn’t he pursuing me like he did? I became angry. I tried calling his home phone, but couldn’t get him (this is before cell phones). I’d ask his friends what he was up to. Finally, I drove to his house unexpectedly to see what he was doing. I was so angry. Didn’t he know I had ideas for how this relationship was supposed to go? What about all that attention and adoration in the beginning? I was miserable and broke up with him. I thought, I’m going to show him! I deserve better treatment than that! Then, I started to obsess about him. He was attractive and I put him on a pedestal. I obsessed and fantasized about how things were when it was really good, and how we could rekindle the relationship. I wasn’t living in reality. I wasn’t free. I was miserable for some time. Eventually I got serious with another guy, but in the back of my mind I held out hope the former guy and I would rekindle. This is what it’s like to be codependent. We don’t see things as they are. We believe the fantasy our mind plays out. We act out and try to control outcomes. Often, I was driven by wanting others to give me the signs that I was pretty, desirable, or good enough.
I mentioned what brought me into program was my obsession with my dad. He was accused of doing harm to another family member. I judged his behavior as unforgivable. I could not let go of what I heard happened. That story of what occurred, it would enter my thoughts all throughout the day. I’d think about him, the family member and I could not think of those people without the details of the recent harm. I didn’t want to have anything to do with my dad. Then I’d worry and think what if he falls and needs help and I’m not there? What if he needs assistance and I don’t help him because I’m so wrapped up in my anger? Any time of the day these intrusive thoughts about would creep in and rob me of my peace and joy. This obsessing felt like mental torture. It got really bad. I was not suicidal, but I remember thinking I can go on living like this! It’s not as if I can escape my own mind.
I was already recovered in another 12-step program. My sponsor brought to my attention the thoughts I was having. Do you see how obsessive these thoughts are, she would ask? Do you see that you’re wanting to control these people and what happened? I did see it. She was also a recovered codependent and was able to spot the signs. I spoke with other recovered codependents working a program. Little by little, things resonated with me and I saw myself as a chronic codependent – especially the distorted thinking. I asked my sponsor to take me through the 12 steps for codependency. I got through them in a few weeks. The reason I got through them fast is that I didn’t have time to mess around. I wanted to get well. Also, in the big book of AA, the instruction book for recovery that I used, it also talks about working the steps swiftly to get well. Once recovered from codependency, I didn’t think I had much to offer others or that I was qualified enough to do much step 12 work, but my sponsor reminded we don’t take action based on feelings. We follow directions if we want to get well. It is up to us to take the action. Wishing, wanting, and thinking won’t get us recovered. We have to take the action of working the steps precisely as outlined in the book. By taking that action day by day we build confidence and eventually come to feel qualified. That was a really important lesson for me to learn! So, I got busy and I did the work. As a result of working the steps I got recovered. To stay recovered, I work steps 10-12 on a daily basis.
Today, I have to say, life is pretty cool! I have a relationship with my dad that I would’ve never thought possible. Without this program I would have cut him out of my life entirely. However, my higher power worked on me little by little over time as I worked my program. Now I can give him a hug, tell him I love him and mean it. I can visit him or call him up and ask how he’s doing. This is really huge! In my marriage, living recovered means when I notice we are getting into a disagreement and things get heated I sense this red flag going off and that I need to change course. So, I do what the big book tells me. I take some breaths, pause briefly, in my mind I ask my higher power to help me & remove my anger or frustration. I then let my husband know I’m getting disturbed and ask that we table the discussion so I can go and work my program. I ask if we can revisit the topic later. Most of the time he agrees to this. This allows me to get out of my head and thinking that my way is “the way” and let higher power work on me to remove the irritation and selfishness. Later when we revisit the topic, I can be more present, listen and speak constructively. My husband has commented on the difference and how wonderful it is that we can interact in this way on things we don’t agree on. What’s so great is that my happiness isn’t dependent on others. There’s so much freedom in that! Living recovered means I have much more peace and mental clarity. It means I get a way of life that is so much richer than I ever thought possible. By continuing to work the steps daily I can show up more honestly in relationships. I can say what I mean and mean what I say which in turn makes my relationships more rewarding and meaningful. It makes for a great life! I’m a recovered sponsor and would be happy to help. Feel free to reach out!