One of my biggest codependent behaviors was coming up with a narrative in my head about how things should be. I lived in my own little world. When things didn’t go the way I imagined they should, I was miserable. I would then try to come up with another narrative, and another, essentially shaping my life and my values with what I thought was right and wrong. I determined what was good and bad in this world, and I arranged my perspective in a way that was favorable to me.
This tactic worked for a while, all the way until I was 27 years old. But life did not coincide with my narrative, and I became ready to end it all. I no longer got ease and comfort from the narrative I was creating for myself because my narrative had gotten very negative and degrading, and I did not think I was worthy of a better one. My narrative did not provide me with the comfort I needed, and I was incapable of coming up with a new one.
The narrative that drove me home was about a breast reduction I had at sixteen years old, and that I did not deserve to be a mother because I may not be able to breastfeed. Based off this conclusion, nobody would want to marry me, and if nobody wanted to marry me, I had no reason to live. I wanted a partner, but I did not know how to make it happen, and I found some peace in being alone. I had dug myself a nice rabbit hole, and though I was miserable inside, I felt unworthy of climbing out. I felt I deserved my punishment. I felt I deserved to live the terrible narrative I had come to believe was truth.
Other codependent behavior I had was going to people for ease and comfort. I was incredibly selfish, wanting people to place me and my wants and needs above their own. If I wanted attention and I wasn’t getting it, I believed that the person didn’t love me, and that I should break up with them. Nobody seemed to be able to make me happy, and yet I kept searching for the perfect partner. When they didn’t give me what I wanted, I thought it was a red flag, that the relationship would be neglectful and abusive.
My relationships got to the point where I needed people in order to be okay, but nobody would do what I wished, and so I was still unhappy. In order to try to get my needs met, I resorted to passive aggressiveness, manipulation, and telling just my side of the story, needing people to side with me so that I could be right.
I would write fairy tales with the hope that the fairy tale would come true. I clung to a breakup for seven years, convinced that if I just healed myself, then true love would return. I believed that if true love hadn’t returned, it was because I wasn’t “happy” yet, but once I was “happy,” then I would get it. I told myself I had to be perfect, or else I didn’t deserve love.
I also had a terrible relationship with my mother. I blamed her for the breast reduction surgery. In a lot of ways, I was addicted to feeling miserable, to self-pity and fear. I made my mom the fuel for that fire for me, and it only backfired.
I had a hard time giving back to people, and due to hard times in my life when people were generous with me, I grew entitled, expecting people to take pity on me and help me. When it came time for me to pay it all forward, I didn’t want to. I was afraid that people would take advantage of me, that I wouldn’t get anything in return.
Eventually, I recognized how my behavior was causing me harm. Nothing was working to get me to stop. Meditation, yoga, therapy, leaving my old life behind, traveling, new relationships, setting boundaries, cutting people out of my life… none of it worked. I continued to people-please, to blame others for my problems, and to create narratives.
I had joined a 12-step fellowship for compulsive eating, and my sponsor pointed out that I had signs of codependency. I looked into it and decided I was a chronic codependent, and I wanted to get recovered. She walked me through the steps, and I learned what it was really like to place my dependence on a Higher Power, rather than other people. This was really hard for me because while other people are tangible and speak my language (sometimes), the concept of a Higher Power was something that I didn’t understand. It was easier to go to people for ease and comfort, until it wasn’t. The 12 steps taught me how to go to my Higher Power for direction and strength.
In the past year of being recovered, I have gotten into a healthy, long-term relationship. I have mended things with my mother, and I no longer have thoughts of suicide. I am motivated to work towards my goals, and I have a new sense of purpose in my life. I am a grateful recovered codependent and sponsor, and I am happy to help.