I’m a recovered codependent. I’m going to briefly share what my life was like, what happened, and what my life is like now. I was a codependent ever since I was little. I didn’t know about codependency until someone pointed that out to me. I was seeking therapy to help and guide me through things. The therapist pointed out that I may be a codependent. I didn’t know what that word meant so I googled it. In the Big Book it talks about if you have a mind of a chronic person you may need a vital spiritual experience. No wonder therapy never worked for me. Here I was trying to seek therapy ever since a young age not knowing I needed something more powerful than me.
My life was a total chaos before coming into program. People say you do step 1 outside the program. Unfortunately, for me I had to be at a very low point in my life to actually want to work the steps. I was coming in and out of 12 step programs and hit my rock bottom even while trying to work program. There is a big difference in trying to work program and actually working program. I didn’t know that at the time. The reason I came into a 12 step program in the first place was because my life had become unmanageable. I was trying to control situations, and even people around me, especially my family.
At first I grew up wanting to be the center of attention, whether it was good or bad. It didn’t matter to me. I was seeking validation from people all the time, ever since I was little. In school my first couple of years, I was part of the “in crowd.” However, in the fourth grade it all changed. I became so shy and reserved that I didn’t want to be seen. I hated school. For me school felt like a prison. I hated school so much that I decided I wanted to graduate high school early. I decided after I graduated school I was going to be a talkative person again and be popular.
The problem is, I was trying to be popular by seeking guys’ approval. I jumped from relationship to relationship, never really having a break from a relationship. If I got tired of one guy, the other guy was around the corner, only a button away. What I mean by that is I was seeking validation from guys I have never even met in person. You see, back then, when I was growing up, it was really easy to seek partners due to the internet. Going on dial up connections and seeking partners on the internet. That was the new thing to do. My codependency got worse and worse seeking validation from guys that I didn’t even know. Going to their places just for them to approve of me. Doing things I didn’t even want to do just for the guy that I was with to be happy. Like I’ve mentioned, I’ve never taken a break from any relationship, until very recently. Until I worked the steps and realized I was doing things out of selfishness and self centeredness. The guy I married was pretty much due to my codependency. After a while I felt trapped in a relationship I didn’t want to be in. This is exactly why my therapist basically told me I was a codependent. She was right. She basically told me, “if you want to continue on this roller coaster relationship ride, go ahead and do so, but I think you’re a codependent.” I still remember her saying those exact words to me. I was shocked she stated that.
I wanted to run the show in everything that I did. Not only in the relationship I was in, but in all aspects of my life. I was trying to micromanage my relationships. I was trying to get away with things. I was using people, manipulating people, seeking validation, controlling and managing people so much. All these things I was doing while being in my illness. I even got into arguments with my family because I wanted to control situations and people. I was like the tornado roaring my way through the lives of others. My family used to feel like they were walking o eggshells around me. Now that I’m recovered, my family states they notice a big difference around me. I can’t say that I can tell since I’m a chronic codependent. My codependency can lead me to insanity or death, as the Big Book states, and it definitely was. Seven years ago I actually wanted to end it. I thought there was no way out due to my codependency. I don’t live this way anymore. I actually want to live and help those that are suffering in their illness. I was blocked from my Higher Power (HP). Now that I am working and truly working the steps, my HP, which I call God, has shown me so much. My HP has taught me we should think of others that are suffering in my same illness, not what I can get out of the show.
I used to think this way, and this was another way my codependency was showing up. I am grateful for those who have helped me and made me realize I need to think of others. When I first came into program, I didn’t want to listen. It took me a couple of years to actually finally want to listen to someone and listen to the directions that are laid out for us in the Big Book. If someone is not truly ready to work the steps, a recovered sponsor can tell them so many things. However, it is going to go in one ear and out the other. Unfortunately that was definitely true for me. We have to hit our own personal rock bottom first before we actually want to listen to someone and be willing to listen and follow directions from the Big Book. I know this from experience. Until I hit my own personal rock bottom and I worked the steps with my sponsor, I was doomed. We don’t have to live this way in our codependency anymore. We can seek a new solution rather than being in our codependency. The solution is in the 12 steps. I’m always going to be a chronic codependent, but now I live in the steps and have another solution rather than being in my illness. If you are feeling that there is no way out and the walls are closing in on you, which is how I felt, perhaps there’s a better way than living in the illness. We can get recovered.